Learning to light candles

" 'Tis better to light a candle than to curse the darkness. " Nelson Mandela

Reality check- Things in Bulgaria are hard...they have been for a few years, possibly for a few decades. Granted, things all over the world are hard right now...with India and Thailand dealing with the aftereffects of a tsunami, New Orleans dealing with the wrath of Katerina, and severe tensions and violence in other places of the world. Yet, the focus of this blog is the darkness particular to Bulgaria. If it wasn't at least somewhat hard, Peace Corps wouldn't be here. Yet, it's just now beginning to hit me just how difficult life is here for the masses. Our group was somewhat spoiled with our Borovetz initiation...the house i'm living in, in Krichim, is also fairly nice, yet the screams of poverty and unemployment are pretty loud outside the resort towns of Bulgaria. As we travel around Bulgaria more, these screams are at times blatantly, disturbingly obvious.

People often don't have enough money to cover even basic needs, unemployment is rampant, there's a high amount of apathy...people either just don't care or feel depressed and hopeless that things will ever change. There's a high degree of blatant prejudice against people of different ethnicities (much of it is geared towards the Roma/gypsies). It's accepted here to use the Roma population as a scapegoat for much of the population's problems, sometimes with good reason, as there's much theft among Roma families, yet the theft often comes out of desperate necessity. Nobody really seems to know what to do about the theft problem. The apathy shines through in the high amount of trash on the ground, with nobody volunteering to clean it up.

As long as the vast majority of people believe that change is unlikely and hope is dead, that will be the reality and more and more of the people who might become leaders for positive change will leave the country to find better options. Perhaps that's part of the reason Peace Corps is here - to infuse a healthy dose of optimism and idealism (characteristic of many Americans) into the atmosphere. These qualities can be contagious. It's important for Peace Corps Volunteers to remember to focus on lighting candles and not to waste our service on cursing the darkness, as it's so easy to do at times. Even though it may be futile and pointless, it just feels so dang good to curse the darkness sometimes ; P Perhaps everybody needs a good, healthy whine session every once in a while, it might even help to light a brighter candle, as long as we don't get lost in whining and forget that there *are* candles to light.

I personally feel like I've gotten stuck in the trap of cursing the darkness over the past two weeks--focusing on problems, feeling somewhat depressed, getting bogged down in thoughts of lack, feeling miniscule and insignificant compared to the vastness of hardship here. It's easy to feel like you're falling apart in a sea of murky grey when surrounded by murky grey buildings and blocks (reeking of Communism) that are falling apart, benches that are breaking down, parks that are unmaintained, rusty fountains, boilers, and pipes, people whose eyes are fogging over from years of hardship and feelings of hopelessness. It's amazing that, in spite of it all (perhaps *because* of it all), people continue to come together for na-gostis of dining and wining into the night, people continue to go to the Black Sea for a breath or two of fresh air, people continue to laugh at jokes and to make up new jokes, people continue to enjoy the cheap porno that you can find at just about every newspaper stand and in various public buses and stores, people continue to eat sunflower seeds and Shopska Salata, to dance the traditional Bulgarian horo, and to sing in the amazing ensembles that Bulgaria is known for in some parts of the world.

As some places are breaking down and rusting away, breathing their final breaths, new, shiny buildings are springing up out of the rubble, whispering of the possibility of a new life that many people here are latching onto desperately and eagerly. As you walk the streets of any big city in Bulgaria, you can't help but notice the firm grasp commercialism has on this tiny country with vast cultural traditions. There's a plethora of Coca Cola and Sprite signs, billboards, McDonalds, Dollar Stores, Cell Phone stores, etc. It's striking at times to see a brand new, shiny Office One building (which speaks of the virtues and possibilities of materialism), sitting straight across from abandoned houses or ruins of public buildings reminiscent of the days of the Communist era.

I have an image of Bulgaria being like a ping pong ball, tossed back and forth between various bigger powers--be it the Ottoman Empire, be it Russian Communism, be it the gods of Materialism--it tends to be someone on the outside calling the shots for the people inside. A direct result of this ping pong/dependence dynamic seems to be the tendency Bulgarians have to constantly look outside themselves for validation, for assurance that things are ok. Of course, all humans probably have that to some extent, yet in Bulgarians it seems to be much more blatant and visible than in other peoples i've interacted with. There's a lack of self assurance and a hesitation to do anything different or outside the 'norm,' even though the norm has changed radically over the past 20 years.

Anyway, these are just some thoughts i've been pondering. My wish for you, the reader, is that you have all the power and assurance you need to light brilliant candles in a world that, at times, seems very dark indeed. Any ideas you have about how to light candles in the darkness, stories about how you've done it in the past, or stories you've heard of others lighting candles, are absolutely welcome here!

As Helen Keller once said, "There are two ways of spreading the light...you can be the candle, or the mirror that reflects it."

The Cast of Characters

The characters in Krichim, as promised, whose multi-color personalities form the landscape of my current Peace Corps experience:
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Atidje- the host mother/friend- wild, passionate woman who can burn like fire and be cold as ice. She may have been a race car driver in a previous life. She is fervently committed to her husband, Oktai, and her daughter, Berin. Goes to work at a dairy center at 6 in the morning, comes back at 8...cooks, cleans, and wrestles with the pros. She likes to say, 'kiss my ass' and 'you, be happy'. She's friends with pretty much everyone in Krichim. One of her hobbies is winning the respect and love of the people around her and she's quite good at it!

Oktai-the host dad-Likes to dance 'kiuchek', aka, 'belly dancing', drink rakia, and look at the beautiful Plovdiv women with Andy (see below). He is interested in anything to do with Egypt and could watch documentaries on it for hours (when he's not watching the Bulgarian music station and the sexy dancers). Although he has a wild side, his personality is softer than Ati's. He tends more toward sadness than anger...he's more like water than fire. He also works at a bakery and makes delicious baklava.

Berin- My beautiful host sister. She is in love with the Bulgarian singer, Anelia. If she could go anywhere in the world, she would go to India, being drawn to the beautiful clothing, people, and henna art there. Her striking green eyes can pierce your soul. I know her to be a loving, compassionate, intelligent being who's devoted to her friends and family. Her belly dancing skills are nothin' to smirk at...she's quite amazing.

Ojgune-Atidje's sister, who's also my Turkish tutor and Andy's host mother-she has bright red hair and laughs like nobody's business. When she puts her mind to something, she gets it done. She worked on a project to clear up an Eco-path in Krichim. At the time, people laughed and mocked the project (they'd never heard of such a thing) but it's now used and enjoyed by many people in the area. It's the most popular trail here! Her warm, cheerful personality draws people in like a magnet.

Villi and Giulchen- Ojgune's daughters-Villi is an ambitious 'frizior/hair-stylist' who wants to study abroad and become a dentist. She put blond highlights in my hair. Her profession puts her (unintentionally) into the role of part-time psychologist, as people tend to vent their problems as they get their hair done. Giulchen is pretty shy around people she doesn't know, yet she's extremely compassionate towards everyone. She likes to imitate people and make up scenes to act out with my host-sister, Berin.

Maria- the committed Bulgarian language instructor for our Krichim group-she hosts movies at her apartment every Thursday night. A cut-throat yatzee player with hair the color of 'Balkan fire'. Though she often appears to be serious and stable, after a few glasses of rakia, you can find her crawling under the table seeking dice. She is our bridge between the Bulgarian and American cultures and ways of life.

PC Andy- My so-called cousin (his host mom is my host mom's sister)-who hails from Vancouver, Washington. He's a thinker with a love of science who's constantly sarcastic and can put a smile on anyone's face, except perhaps his host sister, Villi, who gets mad at his constant joking. She gets upset when he calls her Villi-Villitza (fork in Bulgarian), which is pretty much always. He brings much joy to our group and has been known to make people laugh or hit him, whichever comes first. Andy's in his late twenties.

PC Trevor- An avid rugby player who is the tallest person in our PCV group. Like Oktai, he likes the rakia here, although not as much as the beer. He is fond of the goats in Krichim, as he grew up in a place with many goats and has fond memories of his animal friends. He's been heard to say he was at home 'washing the goat', although some claim this was a language mishap.
He's kind-hearted, fairly serious at times, a magnet for mosquitoes who's highly committed to his rugby game. Trevor's in his early twenties.

PC Freddie - Perhaps the most outgoing member of our little group, this man hails from Toledo, Ohio (the first place i ever lived in, in America). A rambunctious story teller with an eye for details and curiousity about the humans and the human interactions. He has an infectious laugh and is not afraid to utilize it. One of his hobbies is psychoanalyzing people and relationships and often has profound observations about the way the humans function. Although it's not always obvious, he's also highly compassionate and concerned about the well-being of others. He's in his 50s.

PCs Jack and Rhonda - This beautiful couple comes to Bulgaria, all the way from scenic Alaska. They had to take a minor detour back to the states as Jack's father died a week into our training. Although it was sad for them, the incident seems to have been for the best, as he had suffered a lot over the past ten years. Rhonda is my partner in youth development (everyone else in our group is in community development) and we've had much fun hanging out with the kids. We've made pipe cleaner creations, cleaned up the eco-path, and played 'drop the handkerchief'. She is a sweet and (at times) hilarious person who's been a wonderful co-worker. Jack is a skillful tree climber who loves to hunt and fish. Being a couple of the woods, Jack and Rhonda are enjoying the mountainous forests and the hiking in Krichim. They are in their 50s.
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So, there's many more people to mention (the kids in our youth group who are from Turkish, Bulgarian, and Roma ethnicities, Freddie's host mom Sunai, who reads coffee grinds to tell your fortune, her belly dancing daughter Delek, etc.) , but I will stop here for now. This gives a taste of the eclectic characters in Krichim...we're all pretty different, with much to learn from each other. I realized over the past week (as we went to visit our permanent sites...I'll be in a place called Momchilgrad, btw) how much I'll miss this place and these people. Ah well, as Kansas said..."All we are is dust in the wind." Nothing lasts forever. This truth is magnified in Peace Corps training, as everything changes dramatically every few weeks. Must remember to enjoy things thoroughly while they're here, 'cuz they're likely to change soon!

And the Heat Goes On...

Today, the youth development volunteers went to Plovdiv for the day, to visit a Youth Center that teaches social skills to youngsters and the Bulgarian equivalent of an orphanage. It was really inspiring to see the programs that are happening, and at the same time, sad to think about the multitude of abandoned/homeless kids in Bulgaria that have no permanent place to call 'home'. One of the speakers at the Youth Center talked about the importance of working with small projects that have a deep impact rather than trying to work on everything all at once. When you affect the lives of even 2 or 3 kids, those kids can go on to affect the lives of 4 or 5 friends, who will influence their friends, and so on. It's part of the strategy of all grass roots movements, including Peace Corps, and, if you think about the influence PC has had in the lives of multitudes of people all over the world, it seems like (at least in some cases) it works pretty well! It's like 'chunking' in math...breaking down a problem into small steps to make it more workable.

It was also an incredibly hot day for September. It seems like heat is intensified in bigger cities...the pavement, the multitude of people, the cars, the sunshine...all of these things seem to contribute to the heat factor. Rhonda (my fellow youth development volunteer in Krichim) and I walked around after the visits and saw the historic amphitheater and visited the City Gallery of Fine Arts (partially because of the beautiful art and partially because it was air-conditioned ;P ) It was, overall, an inspiring, culturally filling day.

Last weekend, I visited family in Sofia. Grampa came to pick me up at the bus station, as he would not allow some taxi driver to abduct and rob me. Thank you, Grampa! Grandma invited the whole family herd and we talked and ate and looked at each other and had a wonderful time. I had brought some pipe cleaners and Aunt Anni and I made pipe cleaner angels. On Sunday, Aunt Mara took me to see the apartments that my dad had laboriously worked on over the past few years. It was so neat to see the fruits of his work, after hearing bits and pieces about floors, tiles, paint, etc. You've done an amazing job, dad! It was wonderful to talk to Aunt Mara more, as we didn't really know each other that well. Among other things, we talked about the power of positive thinking and the importance of medicine/doctors looking at the whole person, rather than isolated 'body parts'. It was just like being in Boulder again...positive thinking, holistic medicine :) A bonus of the trip was that my childhood friend, Daniela, was free on Saturday, and we got to catch up a little bit about what we'd missed in each other's lives over the past five years. Although we've led very different lives, it was really interesting to realize that we've come to be interested in similar things...she's really curious about psychology and meditation and yoga and, well, living in Boulder was very much about psychology, meditation, and yoga ;P We're hoping to meet up in Plovdiv sometime soon when she has a free weekend.

To come...we find out our permanent sites on Monday, so there's a nervous buzz going around our whole BG-18 community. It's a pretty big deal to find out where you'll be living, breathing, eating, sleeping, stepping (there's a lot of poop to step on in Krichim :) ), laughing, peeing, etc. for the next two years. Speaking of peeing... luckily no one has peed their pants yet, although i have to admit, a few people have come pretty close. Considering that this information is completely inappropriate for a blog, the author takes the initiative to censor herself and stop here.

Next blog, there'll be more about the wonderful characters in Krichim...

Expecter Gadget

Time to check in about expectations...this is something I wrote in my Aspiration Statement, before I set foot in Bulgaria. It's often helpful to look back on it when things feel overwhelming or uncertain. I would invite anyone reading this to check in to your own psyche and see what expectations you hold at this time in your life. What are your strategies for dealing with the rough places and the inherent uncertainty in human life?

Something I've realized about expectations, as I go through life, is that they're often wrong. I've learned to expect that my expectations be shattered sometimes. Nevertheless, it is helpful to look forward and anticipate what an experience may be like in order to prepare for it. So, I write these expectations as a flexible model which is open to change and mold itself differently as new experiences come in.
I expect that there will be challenges. I expect that my view of a situation or reality may not be the same as the people I'm working with. I expect myself to listen, to honor differences, and learn from them as much as possible. I expect that openness, curiosity, flexibility, and a healthy sense of humor can go a long way in working with whatever challenges present themselves. I expect that situations may be overwhelming at times and that working with the present moment and whatever is up in the present moment can help to ease the sense of overwhelm. I expect that feelings of hopelessness may arise sometimes, when working with tough situations. I expect myself to stick with the experience in order to find out what's on the other side of hopelessness. It seems that sometimes amazing transformation and opportunity is waiting just on the other side of bleak despair.
I expect that I really don't know what to expect right now since I don't know the specifics of the assignment I'll be working with. Yet, I expect myself to work with whatever arises as best as I possibly can, to forgive myself and others for the human limitations we're all subject to, to learn as much as I possibly can from all situations, to always look for the light in the bleakness, and to take the manure of human experience and turn it into fertilizer for transformation and positive growth. I expect to do my best to focus on the one thing I have control over, regardless of what's going on around me...my attitude and the perspective I bring to a situation.


These few weeks have been absolutely amazing, in terms of making connections and experiencing new things. At the same time, it's easy to feel overwhelmed when faced with: learning Turkish, conducting youth group activities in Krichim, meeting with youth leaders in the region, getting together with our bigger group of BG-18s (all 50 of us), visiting family in Sofia, participating in the wild, wonderful parties (filled with delicious food, belly dancing, limbo, etc.) that our host families put on, and getting together as a PC group in Krichim to support each other, study together, etc. My strategy for coping with it all is to, first of all, stop, drop, and breathe. Then, to remember to trust the process of life itself, even when I have no idea what's going on or where it might be taking me.

As somebody wise once said: "You're only here for a short while...don't hurry, don't worry, and be sure to stop and smell the flowers along the way." As somebody else once said, "The secret to success is to turn the stumbling blocks in your life into stepping stones."

If you have any inspiring thoughts or sayings, feel free to share them in the comments section...everyone can use a 'picker-upper' every once in a while.